the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
