I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
