....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
