apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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