i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
