Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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