you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
