Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.