why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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