Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.