someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
