where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
