Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
