She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
where are my eyebrows?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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