I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
