I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
