It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
