This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it glows. i had to have it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
