Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
