good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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