I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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