I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
