I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
