I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
