I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We're too hungover to prance.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
