you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
