I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
