Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
