She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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