New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
