I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
