I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
