Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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