My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
