I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
