We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dear god my vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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