i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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