How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
