The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
