$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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