Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
