im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
