I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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