I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
