saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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