No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
