I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
