Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
