ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
