Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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