Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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