My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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