I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
