so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
