Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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