I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
