I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
