i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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