i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
