I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
